How it Feels to be Invisible

  

   Hunter Hayes knows what’s going on… The first time I heard the song “Invisible”, my life was forever changed. How is it that one song, written by someone you clearly don’t know, can accurately describe your past? I have no idea, and I don’t really care.

           

            “Crowded Hallways are the loneliest places for outcasts and rebels
            Or anyone who just dares to be different.”
 

     The first line brings so many images from my high school experience into my mind. Every Friday that there was a home football game, I was there. I stood in the front corner, right next to the band…. By myself. The student section was packed, but I was alone. No one talked to me.

          
            “And you've been trying for so long
            To find out where your place is
            But in their narrow minds,
            There's no room for anyone who dares to do something different”

     Case in point. All I wanted was to fit in. All I wanted was to not feel so alone. But no one cared. So yeah, I’m different. I have never been a cookie cutter girl, but why does that mean I have to be all alone?

     Before I go any further, I want to clear something up: I was never bullied, but I was never included or made to feel important by my classmates/friends. This seems to be something I dealt with from elementary school through the early parts of high school. I had friends, but they were mostly just at school. People didn’t invite me over often. I was invited to birthday parties, but my birthday wasn’t remembered to friends unless I mentioned it to them. I distinctly remember my birthday when I was a freshman in high school; I was so excited because I had moved schools and had friends from my old school and some at my new school, so I thought I’d get loads of wishes, and it was even mentioned on the school announcement when they say the daily birthdays. But did anything special happen? Nope. People I thought were close friends forgot. I digress, but that’s just an example of what I’m talking about.

     Eventually, it became the norm. I don’t know why I got so upset with the way people acted when I had dealt with it for so long. I think what got me, was that I truly cared for those people that I called my friends and I showed it, but they didn’t act like it mattered. I try to be the best friend I can be because I know what it’s like to feel alone; I’m not a halfway friend. But here I was, doing my part to a two-part friendship and it’s not being reciprocated.

     As I progressed through my years of schooling, I did things by myself. Football games and other school activities were things I went to by myself and I hoped someone I knew would be there. I knew it wasn’t fun to go to things by myself, but I didn’t care because I wanted to experience things.

     You may be asking why I never did anything about it. I could easily tell my friends that they were being rude by not including me or saying things that sound funny but really hurt, but would that do anything? I didn’t cause a scene with my friends because I knew I’d lose what little of friendships I had. I didn’t want to get into these people who provided me with a place to sit at lunch faces in fear of losing that seat. If I were being ignored, I would rather have it by while I was next to people than it being in a secluded corner.

             “So your confidence is quiet
            To them quiet looks like weakness
            But you don't have to fight it
            Cause you're strong enough to win without the war
            Every heart has a rhythm,
            Let yours beat out so loudly
            That everyone can hear it, yeah,
            Promise you don't need to hide it anymore
            Oh, and never be afraid of doing something different
            Dare to be something more”

     This is probably my favorite verse of the song because it is so encouraging. I wish I had heard this while I was struggling. It was so difficult to understand why I was being treated this way, but it made me strong. I am the person I am today because of these experiences. In those frequent moments, it sucked. I spent numerous nights in tears trying to figure out what I was doing wrong. But this verse tells us that everyone is important. “Every heart has a rhythm.” Everyone has something to offer. “Let yours beat out so loudly.” Don’t let yourself be diminished by others.

     The next verse talks about how we’re not going through it alone and that we will get passed it. That’s what I want to really focus on.

           

            “Trust the one who's been where you are
            Wishing all it was sticks and stones
            Those words cut deep
            But they don't mean you're all alone
            You're not invisible
            Hear me out, there's so much more this life
            Than what you're feeling now”
 

     I wish that I never had to go through the pain of feeling invisible. It was such a desolate part of my life and it still brings me to tears. But those moments made me into who I am today. I never gave up. I keep those moments in my mind so when I see someone who is being excluded, I can make sure they never have to go through what I went through. I don’t want anyone to feel alone because it’s the worst feeling in the world. As I’ve been working at an elementary school these past few months, I have seen students sitting all by themselves at lunch and it crushes me.

     Now, I’m in a much better place. I gained a good friend my sophomore year who has become my best friend. I got involved in the school paper my junior and senior years of high school, as well and student government my senior year, which provided me with many friends who liked doing things. Now that I’m in college, I have gotten involved in my ward and in different student organizations, which has given me the opportunity to make a lot of friends who have impacted my life. I learned that through the gospel of Jesus Christ, I am never alone. My Redeemer is always there with me and He has felt my pain.

There’s more to life than the depressing days. There’s so much to look forward to, and that’s what keeps me going. The thought that I have made it through those awful days is enough to get me through the coming ones. I have been in the darkness, seen the light at the end, and have reached it. I have climbed the biggest mountain, and I can make it up more.

           

            “If you look past this moment, you'll see you've got a friend
            Waving a flag, for who you are, and all you're gonna do
            Yeah, so here's to you and here's to anyone who's ever felt invisible”

     To those of you struggling, you’re not alone. I am waving that flag. I am here. I want to be your friend and help you through it. This post is therapeutic for me, but it’s mostly for you. You need to know that you aren’t the only one. It’s hard being in the place where you feel alone because you’re not classified as being bullied, but your life isn’t sunshine and daisies and people don’t understand. No one can tell you they understand unless they have been in that place. And I have been in that place… I lived in that place for 10 years.

           

            “Someday you'll look back on all these days
            And all this pain is gonna be Invisible”

     Right now, that pain is still so real. I can taste the tears from all the nights of crying. I can still feel the pit in my stomach when I sat all alone at lunch because the people I sat with all went off campus. I can hear the unenthusiastic “Oh, Happy Birthday” said when it was brought up that it was my birthday.  I can’t wait for the day when I can look back on my life before the happy days and not feel the stinging pain that comes with it.